“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
“Marriage is the death of hope.”
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”
“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
“To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”
“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”
“I am two with nature.”
“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”