“I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.”
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”
“To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”
“Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.”
“Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.”
“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”
“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.”
“Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.”
“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”
“Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.”
“Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.”
“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”
“In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.”
“I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.”
“Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.”
“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”
“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”
“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”
“Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.”
“If you can laugh together, you can work together.”