“Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.”
“Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”
“Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?”
“Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.”
“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.”
“The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.”
“I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.”
“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it Whenever you're right, shut up.”
“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.”
“If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.”
“The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.”
“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.”
“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.”
“Women would rather be right than reasonable.”