“It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.”
“To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.”
“I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.”
“When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'”
“I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.”
“It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.”
“I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.”
“America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.”
“The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.”
“When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.”
“I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'”
“There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.”
“I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.”
“I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.”
“When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.”
“For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.”
“I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.”
“A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.”
“I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.”
“Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.”
“It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.”
“Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.”
“If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.”
“When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.”
“Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.”
“I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.”