“The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.”
“If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.”
“I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.”
“I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.”
“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.”
“It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.”
“I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.”
“I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.”
“The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.”
“The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.”
“I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.”
“Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.”
“Your body's really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years.”