“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”
“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”
“When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.”
“The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.”
“I love being a dad. I just love it.”
“Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.”
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”
“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”
“I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”
“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”
“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
“The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.”
“There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'”
“Men want to make women happy.”
“That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.”