“I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”
“My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”
“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”
“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.”
“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.”
“I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.”
“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?”