“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?”
“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”
“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”