“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”
“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”
“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”
“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
“Women should be obscene and not heard.”