“What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.”
“I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.”
“The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.”
“You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.”
“The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.”
“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”
“I rant, therefore I am.”
“Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.”
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”
“Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.”
“Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.”
“I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.”
“Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.”
“I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.”