“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”
“The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.”
“It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”
“Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.”
“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”
“Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”
“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”
“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”
“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”
“The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”
“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”
“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”
“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”
“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”
“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”
“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.”
“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
“Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”
“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”
“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”
“The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”
“The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.”
“Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.”
“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”
“Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.”
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”
“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”
“I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”
“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”