“I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.”
“In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.”
“The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.”
“If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.”
“My first car was a motorcycle.”
“I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.”
“I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.”
“I don't know anything about computers.”
“My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.”
“I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.”
“I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.”
“I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.”
“The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'”
“Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.”
“If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?”
“It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.”
“I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.”
“All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.”
“I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.”
“People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'”
“I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans.”
“Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.”
“You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.”
“A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.”
“When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.”